i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
