Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have grass duct taped all over my body
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize