This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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