I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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