you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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