Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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