I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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