Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
