Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
