This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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