When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
