Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize