Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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