now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
