I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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