My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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