You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize