Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
