btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize