need another drink. this is the easiest way
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize