Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
