Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
