yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
