bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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