I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
