Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
