first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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