Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Randomize
