Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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