I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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