so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
