I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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