Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
