My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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