capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize