Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize