I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
