So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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