So drunk its hurt
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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