How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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