She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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