Ambien. No doubt about it.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
