just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
