So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize