I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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