no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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