He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
