I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
