Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
