Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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