I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
