dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I look better un-naked...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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