whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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