I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
