There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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