How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
