I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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