The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
