So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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