I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
