That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
